Behavioral Blocks And Getting Unstuck

                                            BEHAVIORAL BLOCKS AND UNSTUCK


          Lipson and Perkins (1990) have a book explaining why we don't do what we would like to do. How is our intended behavior "blocked," such as when we are constantly late, can't lose weight, don't exercise, don't do our best, etc.? First of all, they assume that all of our behavior is the result of many forces, including our will, pulling and pushing us in many directions. However, they don't use the concept of reinforcement and they decry the idea of increasing our "will power." They point out, as I have, that much self-help advice is very simple and unquestionably correct: stop procrastinating by "planning your time," lose weight by "eating less," be successful by "studying more," etc. But such advice is often inane--useless--because it can't be followed, our will power just isn't strong enough to make the changes. Often, though, they say that if you understood the forces that block your good intentions, you could counter those forces and do what you want to do. This is a cognitive (insight) approach to self-control of your behavior. Let's see if it helps to describe five different kinds of blocks.
   
          First, a strong force in the environment may block our intended or desired behavior; it overpowers our will. We often know exactly what these forces are; we recognize them as constant temptations, e.g. a strong attraction to desserts ruins our diet, a desire to have fun keeps us from getting our work done, an angry reaction to someone causes us to say things we shouldn't, an urge to buy clothes overdraws our account, etc. When these forces overwhelm our best intentions, we say, "I'm weak willed," "I'm lazy," "I'm selfish," etc. It may be neat in a way that there are so many strong forces in the world--things we want and enjoy, physical, hormonal, and genetic drives, social needs, compelling emotions, and on and on. But, these forces frequently crush our self-control, and that's not so neat.

          This notion of blocks is obvious; however, it isn't easy to assess the strength of the blocks or your "will power." How successful do you feel your will power has been in overcoming the blocks (temptations and distractions)? These authors say will power is frequently weak, usually over-estimated and a false hope. Instead of "will," we have to use our brain--our knowledge of self-help--to devise ways of avoiding or containing these strong forces. There are lots of such methods; most are in this book.

          Secondly, in contrast with the forces mentioned above that we are keenly aware of, Lipson and Perkins (1990) contend that some strong forces are hidden from us and, thus, since we can't combat them handily, they easily block our intentional behavior. We know the forces are there because we see the results. Examples: Our hot attraction to someone turns cold (we don't know why but perhaps he/she is coming on too strong or getting too dependent). Our grades in chemistry are D's and F's (we have the ability but maybe we fail because medicine is dad's choice, not ours). We have a short fuse with our spouse without sufficient reason and without knowing why (maybe because we feel taken for granted or got a lousy assignment at work). We don't want to turn cold, fail chemistry, or have a fight. But things like this happen to all of us; hidden forces are the cause. To understand these blocks, we must seriously search for the reasons, the hidden forces. When we think we have found the reasons, we must carefully question and critically assess the explanation (because we are prone to self deception). Are the conjectured forces really there? Are they powerful enough to block our desired behavior? When we accurately see the hidden forces (not easy), we have a better chance of getting back in control.

          Thirdly, besides strong forces in the outside world (things we yearn for, fears, reactions of others, etc.), there are strong forces generated by our own self-evaluations. Examples: You may be only 5 or 6 pounds overweight but see yourself as embarrassingly chubby. During a conversation, you may panic thinking, "I don't know what to say, I'll look like a jerk." These thoughts and feelings about ourselves are powerful forces that frequently block us from doing what we would like to do. By observing our internal dialogue and self-appraisals, we can gain better control over these blocks. Examples: Some negative things about ourselves, e.g. 6 pounds or quietness, we can accept as okay, others we can "own," e.g. sarcasm or self-criticism, and take responsibility for changing. Likewise, some of your traits may initially be seen as positive, e.g. being a party animal and excessive drinking, but by recognizing their negative long-term consequences and "disapproving" of the destructive aspects of the traits, we can reduce these blocks to achieving our more important life goals.

          Fourthly, many activities can captivate or "enthrall" us: eating, drinking, listening to music, watching TV, socializing, and even cleaning can capture our attention once we get started. Becoming preoccupied with these activities blocks us from doing other things. Enthralling activities may have a relatively weak initial "pull" for us but once we are absorbed in the activity the "grip" can hold us. All of us have wasted evenings watching worthless TV. If we had gotten off the couch and turned off the set for a minute, we almost certainly would have found something better to do. Ask yourself frequently, "What is the best use of my time right now?" Change your environment. Try to develop more fruitful "counter-thralls." Witkin (1988) has a book about controlling these urges.

          Lastly, blocks occur when a complex collage of forces pushes us in certain directions, such as when a woman marries the same kind of jerk three times. Another example is the person who is so concerned about being liked that they try too hard to please. As a result, they are seen as weak, "an easy mark," and not respected, which pushes them to try even harder to please. This is called a self-sealing system and this vicious circle occurs in many situations: a person creates more problems drinking to avoid problems, an over-protective parent produces a more and more helpless child, an insecure and jealous lover increases his/her chances of being dumped. Obviously, complex but powerful and mostly hidden forces are pushing these people in disastrous directions. Such people must get an understanding of the complex forces shaping their lives, and then they have a better chance of coping. They need courage to self-explore--maybe in therapy.

          This is a nice theoretical summary of blocks. But, removing your specific blocks is not easy. Washton and Boundy (1989) make the point that many of our self-help efforts are directed at the bad habit and not at the block or real underlying problem. For example, it is common to see drinking or smoking or over eating or procrastination or TV addiction as the problem, while, in truth, the more basic problem is the hurt, anxiety, emptiness, frustration, shame, etc. (feelings and thoughts), which the drinking, eating, escaping behaviors attempt to relieve. These unwanted surface behaviors are not the real problems; they are attempted solutions! The underlying feelings are the problems! Having the will power to stop the unwanted habits is not enough. You must reduce the psychological pain inside which causes the bad habits, i.e. our dis-ease. Discovering this internal hurt may be easy; it may be hard even with therapy; it needs to be done (see chapters 14 and 15).

          Sidney Simon (1988) describes another set of barriers to changing: (1) Having low self-esteem and feeling unable to change or undeserving of a better life. (2) Failing to see alternatives or feeling you can't make or don't have good choices (see decision-making in chapter 13). (3) Being unsure of what you want and/or are simply going along with someone else's decisions about your life. (4) Finding lots of excuses for doing nothing or "Yes, but-ing" and, thus, reducing your motivation to change. (5) Being afraid to change. (6) Feeling alone and unsupported or "I don't need anyone" or "I shouldn't have to ask for help." (Ask for help anyway!) (7) Demanding perfection. (8) Lacking the determination or "will" to get the job done.

          When changing, the first step is the killer. If you haven't exercised in months or have smoked for years, the first day is toughest. You must use willpower (or, if you prefer, motivation or self-talk). You can strengthen a weak will. Simon suggests building your willpower by (a) practicing in more and more difficult self-control situations, (b) taking small successful steps followed by rewards, and (c) planning alternatives to use when major temptations threaten. Besides will power, you need lots of other skills. But the hardest part for many of us will be getting a handle on the underlying emotions causing the inner pain and creating the barriers. This kind of insight comes from gaining more and more knowledge about people and from honestly looking inside your self.